Regrets
by Random Aussie Logic
Summary: A diary entry from Abigail Salmon at the end of the book ruminating on events, decisions, her life and family.


Long time reader. New member. Found this on my computer. It's something I wrote about six years ago when we studied The Lovely Bones at school. It is a diary entry set around the end of the novel written by Abigail Salmon(Susie's mother). Please read and review :)

Disclaimer: I don't own The Lovely Bones, that joy belongs to Alice Sebold.

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><p>It's been a while now since that terrible day that she went missing. I loved her so much, the first child I ever had in this world. My comfort. And now I'm going to lose my youngest and last. I should never have left how I did. He was so young. He could never possibly understand. None of them could. I put my dreams on hold. Devoted my time to them. How I relish those days. When nothing could ever have separated us. Buckley, I love you so much. Don't turn away from me now.<p>

I found a photo today in Lindsey's room, its not hers though- well, not originally. I can tell. It was an old photo, of me. She never showed much interest in photography, so it must have come from Susie's room after she went away. I look at it and I wish I could go back to those days where I could just steal a moment of time for myself in the mornings whilst everyone else was abed still. I cannot relive the past any more than I can take back what I have done to my family, anymore than I can undo it all. I wish I could.

To look to the future would be good. To make the most of what I have in this world. But how can I do that when my family doesn't support me, my own child rejects me? My life has never been perfect, though it seemed to be perfect for anyone looking in on it. Three beautiful children, a loving husband and all I needed to live comfortably. But it wasn't enough, it never was. I put my life on hold. I wanted to teach; instead I had a family and put my dreams of teaching aside. I didn't regret it at first. And then all the commotion with Susie disappearing, murdered they said, though they never proved it. It made me think. It still makes me think. What if I hadn't put my life, my dreams on hold? What if I hadn't had a family? Would I still be in this position today; where I have spent over half of Buckley's life, and a third of Lindsey's life, elsewhere in the world? Apart from them. And now I come back, they are both grown up and apart from me. I wasn't here for the most important times in Buckley's life, and even when I was around I didn't give him the support he needed. I left him for other people to take care of.

How can I live in the future, looking forward, not back if I can't reconcile myself to my son.

I wasn't there for Lindsey either. She grew up from a young girl to a young woman with no one to guide her truly and properly and yet she is an amazing, beautiful and talented young woman engaged to the young man of her dreams. I wish her well and only hope she does not make the same mistake as I did- put her most ardent dreams on hold to raise a family.

The solitary existence I left my family to live, relying not on my husband, but on my own wits, It got me moving; living; breathing. Yet it could not block out the pain. Nothing I have done, not running away from facing my problems, nor distracting myself with other activities as I attempted to do with Len can block the pain I feel from losing Susie before she had lived her own life with me standing by to watch. Though I wish for her to be alive and will forever hope she is alive and well, I know in my heart that this is not the case. If she were alive and well then she would have come home on that fateful night and as such I must face the truth; face the pain. I must live my life not sit oblivious to the world around me. Nor can I run away from what has happened. Susie will never come home and though this pains me horribly, I can only hope that she is watching from where ever she is and that I will see her in what ever comes after death. In a place where all is well and good, and pain and suffering are no more.

What is the point of life if one does not live it to the full? To live for the moment; the day.

I see myself as Demeter, Susie as Persephone. I cannot bear to leave my daughter, to let her be lost to the thoughts of others let alone myself. The long years since she disappeared are the winter Demeter bought to the Earth when Persephone was taken from her by Hades and after I die will be the spring and summer recovered when Persephone was allowed to be with her mother on the surface again. But unlike the summer Demeter bought which was followed again by winter and then again by summer, my summer will not end. It will be an everlasting celebration of togetherness with my daughter. My beautiful Susie; my best friend and confidant.

Susie was the best thing that could have happened to me. My staunch knight in shining armour, the protector of her siblings, someone for them to look up to. Like when Buckley almost choked on a stick. How good she was then, if not for her then my youngest would be gone as well.

There I go again, reminiscing on the past.

If there was one good thing I can say came out of the past it would be that Lindsey has shone. No longer is she hidden behind her older sister, no longer is she trying to live up to expectations, no longer is she being compared to Susie in her accomplishments. She has had the chance to be herself, to do what she wishes without being governed by the choices her sister made previously. To this end I can believe that what came about was not all bad. Sometimes it is a long reach to make myself believe this but it does help to soften the pain. To forestall the suffering her leaving inflicted even if it was through no fault of her own.

However much good has come about for my family it has been pursued by evil. My leaving created a rift between Buckley and I, which I can only hope, is not irreparable. But Buckley will not come around to the reasons why I left and, I can only hope that in time we can become as a mother and son should be- close and supportive of each other. I must however do my bit in repairing the rift between us or I will never be happy with myself and will always live with the pain of losing two children- one most likely dead but the other very much alive.

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><p>Hope you enjoyed.<p> 


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